My first and second husbands are both alcoholic/drug addicts. Neither were when I met them, both were extremely great men, from good homes and ridiculous potential. First husband I have no idea what happened, second husband had knee surgery, got addicted to pain killers and basically destroyed his life, my life, and all three of my boys lives until the day he left. I have basically spent my entire adult life dealing with addicts. When husband number 2 left, I promised myself I would never deal with an addict again. The lies, the pain, the hurt, the betrayal, all things I was not willing to ever expose myself or my sons to again.
I have a son who is an alcoholic. His father was/is, his grandfathers, etc as the story goes, it's hereditary. I consistently reminded my sons that they had to be mindful of this and pay attention to their own drinking habits during their young adult ages. They all grew up seeing their own fathers mis-use alcohol/drugs, and witnessed the hardships that those addictions placed on me and the family. My oldest has struggled with alcohol addiction for years. A few years back I thought he definitely hit rock bottom, and then he got himself sober and was sober for just over 14 months. We were all so proud of him and then it happened. He met a girl, and on their first date they went to a bar, and well there you have it, the end of his sobriety.
My husband (#3 and last) and I had already done so much for him financially and as his mother, I had emotionally given him everything I had to give up to this point. We both agreed that he had disrespected our home, our trust, rules he agreed to, and although ending his sobriety would involve severe consequences he agreed to them. We let him live in our guest house, I co-signed for him to get a car, he was working, but once the sobriety was compromised he lost it all. He was no longer allowed here to live, the car was sold, I bagged up his stuff in garbage bags and took him and his belongings to a friend's house who was allowing him to crash there.
This was one of the hardest things I have ever done but it was necessary. I knew he wasn't ready to be sober, he wouldn't even admit he was an alcoholic. He said he didn't like titles, but sometimes titles are appropriate. If you've ever dealt with an addict they won't change for you, for their kids, for anyone, they have to want it. They have to be willing to do the work, and all the support in the world won't help if they don't have the motivation to fight the urge, every day, every hour, every second. Don't get me wrong, I am in no way saying or believe this is an easy task, but after a lifetime of watching addiction destroy the greatest of men/women, I understand that enabling them is worse.
So I did what I had to do to force him to sink or swim. I drew a line in the sand 14 months before and even though I explained to him where that line was and what would happen if he crossed it, he still feels the need to text me and say "I was sober for over a year. 100% did everything right. I messed up. You took EVERYTHING. Maybe a talk would have sufficed. Maybe I needed a damn hug. I'll never agree with that decision." "What you and Charles did was heartless". If you have ever had a relationship with an addict, you've heard these words, and you have felt the guilt these words cause. Lots of years of counseling have taught me that how I choose to deal with those words, is my choice.
Of course the words hurt, but there is no truth to them. Rules were made, boundaries were set, and consequences again were clear. I refuse to enable my son any further, I refuse to accept responsibility for his lack of self preservation and constant destruction. He is 33 years old and I have given him all the tools he needed to be successful and live an addiction free life and he chose otherwise. That is on him.
I pray he finds himself free from addiction one day and can have a relationship with his family who loves him, but at this point he is the only one that can do the work. Addiction destroys lives, family's but how you choose to deal with it regardless of which side of the fence you are on, is up to you. I choose me, I choose my family and I can only hope he does to one day.
As a mom, I have to keep myself off the ledge, the ledge created by worry, stress, and sadness. The tears I have shed for my son, could replenish Niagara Falls but for the sake of me ad my well being, I have to focus on my life, my other family and live the best life I can. I have to let my son choose his path but my wish is he is one day he's the man twenty years clean, on his winning streak.
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